Janey's Blogs - June 2008
Friday the 6th of June 2008
Hot Fun in London and the USA voting
Sorry the blog has been late, I am a lazy person.
I am in London for a few weeks work and it is amazing. I am staying at Westminster in the lush Crown Lawn flats again; I am not used to such luxury! Just lying in bed hearing Big Ben strike is awesome.
The weather here has been so sunny and hot. Yesterday, husband and I went walking and I have a burnt neck. We inadvertently walked into a BBC outside broadcast in Battersea Park and my flip flop noises ruined the take, I had to walk back over and apologise to the crew. I was so embarrassed; they laughed and explained it was all fine, but I felt like a dick.
I have been to Corby doing a show and that was rainy and smelled, felt and sounded just like Glasgow. The car journey was hellish as the poor man who owned the car had dampness and the windscreen was all smeary and vision was difficult. So we spent the whole journey wiping the inside as he drove through the dark, rainy roads. Not my ideal journey, but I tried not to panic.
Headed down to the Groucho Club last night with Monica and i chatted to some old mates and had a few drinks. It was a cool night out! I realised the best way to work out if you are famous is if the homeless guy outside recognises you and last night as soon as I stepped out for a ciggie he said: “Hello, Janey, how was New Zealand?” I know this has less to do with me being famous and more to do with me chatting to him months ago before I left London. But it felt good! Then I gave him some cash; it is a form of me paying a fan to recall me now…. not a good thing I suspect!
Not much else has been happening, all in all a fine trip so far.
I miss Ashley; she is back in Glasgow doing her thing.
Meanwhile, I have been glued to news about the voting in the USA.
Has Hilary Clinton done a disservice to women in America by failing to beat Obama? Did she gild her lily too far? Was she a victim of her own pretentious connections?
Some political analysts have commented as much, but because the word anal is in their job title makes me somehow doubt them.
Hilary hasn’t taken women any further nor taken us back by trying hard to get to the White House. By the way, Mr Obama, there is a reason it’s called the White House and it’s got nothing to do with paint on the walls. It aint over till the fat men sing!
Women in any political arena going for the top potato title will always be faced with adversity and nit picking. Mrs Clinton was clawing her way through every single state like a well dressed beggar. A cookie seller in nice shoes.
I felt sorry for Hilary, much in the same way I felt pain for poor Obama, because he wasn’t dark enough for the black vote and not white enough for the average Americans. The USA finally got a black man who wouldn’t threaten the whites, yet couldn’t quite get the confidence of his core black voters.
The guy really is stuck between a rock and hard face.
The whole situation divided people; they were either racist or sexist - not a good basis for a Presidential candidate.
In my opinion, a one legged blind asthmatic donkey can only improve on Bush.
Let’s see what happens next?
Thursday the 12th of June 2008
Lazy Blogger Janey
I have been burnt, exhausted and scorched by the hot sun in London and, thank God, it’s beginning to get cooler! Husband and I are still in here in Westminster. The gigs are going great, life is good. I miss my daughter like a piece of me has been cut off.
I woke up this morning and had one of those moments where I felt incredibly old and my life had passed me by. I worried that I was too old for stand up, too ancient for TV to even give me a chance, too ugly and fat to be considered for any film. It was a horrible empty evil place to be. Maybe I should have done all this years ago? I spent my entire twenties and a good chunk of my thirties running a bar; why should I get a second chance at life? My mammy didn’t. She was dead at my age.
It’s strange, but I don’t see the older men in comedy worry about this. I am quite old amongst the female stand ups, but am not older than a lot of the guys. Why do I get so insecure?
Maybe I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and give myself a good kick up the ass?
I walked through Westminster today and joined the Liberty protestors who were trying to support the MPs who were against the latest law that the government decided to pass through Parliament. They wanted to raise the detention time of suspected terrorists up to 42 and the bastards managed it. It is a sad day for liberty in the UK.
I am beginning to hate the one-eyed Protestant Gordon Brown more than I hated that closet Catholic Blair - stupid insecure men that seem to believe they have the ear of God yet cause more wars. Don’t even get me started on the Christian Bush!
If he exists, God must be sitting ‘up there’ saying, “Hey, I know nothing about this and, believe me,these men don’t hear my voice!”
I need to stop procrastinating and start being a bit more proactive about my life.
On a lighter note, I was chatting to a woman I know in the street in Soho. I noticed in the harsh sunlight that she had a big brown ring around her chin and jaw line where her make-up stopped abruptly.
It was like she had drawn a big brown pencil around her hairline and head and from ear to ear and simply coloured in her face with dark brown cream. Her foundation was coffee-coloured and her neck and décolletage was white and pasty.
I was really tempted to blend it all in and rub it down her neckline! It made me rush to a mirror and check mine, but I knew that was futile as I wear very little make up and for once I was pleased about that!
I was frustrated with myself that I didn’t tell her, but I didn’t know her well enough to be able to explain it to her; she may have taken offence.
It made me recall the time I met Rachel Weisz the actress in a toilet. Her beautiful black Chanel dress had chalk all over her bum area. Other famous women stood and stared at it and said nothing. I looked at her smiled and said: “You have a big white chalky ass.” She was horrified and I stood and patted her pert bum and cleaned it all off. She was so grateful and the other women looked away. “Only a real woman and true sister would have pointed that out, thanks.” She kissed my cheek and left the toilet.
I feel bad I never helped the scary make-up lady now!
So remember, girls, blend-blend-blend! I never thought I would ever give out make-up tips on my blog!
Thursday the 19th of June 2008
What’s Sex got to do with it?Unfaithful marriages are what keep gossip columns alive; it needs stupid people to read about it and feeds like barracudas on every detail of some unfortunate couple’s life to survive.
The most recent and enduring story is of footballer Ashley Cole and Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud fame. This yarn is still being hocked out round the glossy mags.
You can’t pick up a magazine without seeing the angry Mrs. Cole is in a basque with the by-line “Would you cheat on this woman?”
It’s an old story; stupid man cheats on gorgeous sexy wife. Why would he do that? Have you seen the woman he had a dalliance with? Is the wife not fragrant? Is she not beautiful? Why would he stray when he has this hottie at home?
When did straying in a marriage have anything to do with looks?
Not unless you are married to the Hunchback of Notre Dame and have a quick one night stand with Brad Pitt does that theory come into play.
Society dictates that, if you have a sexy partner, you have no right to go off and sully that relationship by having sex with a plain person. So, if some overpaid footballer had a one night stand with the latest Miss World, would that make the unfaithful act OK in his wife’s eyes? ‘I don’t mind you shagging around, as long as she is pretty’?
We all recall the Beckham alleged affair with Rebecca Loos, the pouty Posh One screamed: “David wouldn’t touch a fat ugly woman!” Which leads us to believe that, if Mr Golden Balls screwed Eva Longoria. then at least he wasn’t batting below his weight and Victoria could fully understand why he did it! Who makes these rules up?
That theory is all nonsense and the media is naïve to use beauty as a means to be staying faithful. As if sexy women or hot men never get cheated on!
If that were the case then why is Hollywood full of divorced beautiful people?
Most psychologists will tell you unfaithfulness has nothing to do with how sexy the wife or husband is; the whole episode hinges on the person's own self worth and how they feel being in a committed relationship.
The mistress isn’t always a sex bomb that came along and hooked the bedazzled man.
We all recall the hoots of horror when it was revealed that the Prince of Wales had chosen the slightly haggard Camilla Parker Bowles over the poised and perfect Princess Diana who, at the time, was apparently the world's most beautiful woman. What was Charles thinking?
We all know what he was thinking now. He loved Camilla.
Diana could wear all the pretty frocks she chose and her man still wanted the bushy blonde who smoked too much and lived in her wellies.
It gave ordinary women all over the world a glimmer of hope: Princes can love the not-so-pretty girls as well... and the ugly sisters among us can win the King's heart. Prince Charles empowered us women more than Diana ever did by choosing Camilla over his glamorous wife, though we never really thanked him for it.
People are unfaithful because they want to be, It doesn’t matter how attractive or ugly the wife or secret partner. It happens.
Monday the 23rd of June 2008
Is Life OK?
I have been increasingly worried lately about my lovely wee step mum who hasn’t been well. Then I had a medical thing of my own which meant I had to cancel my appearance at The Glastonbury Comedy Tent, so life sucks a bit.
I am just back from Nottingham, I was MC at Jongleurs and I loved it. We stayed in serviced apartments with Urban Self Catering who really went out on a limb for me, they are amazing people and just wonderful hosts.
I do like Nottingham and am looking forward to my big one woman show at Norwich Playhouse. Comedy is going well.
So, assuming all this medical stuff goes well, Ashley and I are going to have our first holiday together in years. We are hoping to go to Turkey to Olu Deniz. I saw it on the web and it looks amazing. I really need a beach holiday and time to myself…and with Ashley! Husband hates beaches and holidays in general, so he is staying at home.
I really need a break just before the Edinburgh Festival.
I am hoping the hotel or destination does have internet, as I need to write my column for The Scotsman from a beach! That will be cool.
So I am off to sleep and wake up tomorrow and find a travel agent that will organise my wee holiday.
Friday the 27th of June 2008
I am in Lanzarote. Due to a somewhat worrying medical situation, I missed going to Glastonbury. Ashley and I have come to Lanzarote instead. It was a surprise gift from husband. He knew I would have time off after my minor surgery and decided to treat me. So he sent Ashley and me on a last minute holiday.
I would never have picked Lanzarote in my life. I hate package holidays and despise the smell of beer and kebabs. BUT this place is awesome. It is quiet and huge and the food is wonderful.
We are staying at the Gran Melia Volcain in Playa Blanca. I am stunned at how great the hotel is! It's 5 star in Lanzarote standards and trust me – it shows. I am so relaxed.
Ashley loves the swimming pools and I think our complex has four; I am not sure as we keep stumbling across more stuff as we walk about. The place is quiet and there are hardly any guests – which I am loving.
I imagined Lanzarote to be a place where people eat hot lard and sing the ‘Birdie Song’ continuously as baldy British men beat their wives and kids get sunburnt or ignored for a bingo night.
I haven’t had a proper holiday in years. I am so happy and though am worried about issues surrounding health and family, I am having a great time.
More news from Lanzarote this week!